HUMOR
06-21

"I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic: I like to look at places I know I will never visit." Danny Thomas, American comedian.

04-22
If you do not think you are able to write in English, check these signs posted in America.

On the road: Caution - Water on the road during rain.

In front of a United Methodist Church: Don't let worries kill you. Let the church help.

At a golf club: Any persons (except players) caught collecting golf balls on this course will be prosecuted and have their balls removed.

On a road in a deserted area: Emergency phone 174 km ahead.

At the Alden Presbyterian Church: Having trouble sleeping? We have sermons. Come hear one!

03-10

American Cuisine

Two immigrants, new to America, are wandering around on their first day off the boat in New York City, seeing the sights. Pretty soon they realize it's time for lunch and they're hungry from walking around all morning. They see a street vendor selling hotdogs. The first immigrant says, "I can't believe it! They eat dogs in America." The second immigrant, although equally shocked, replies, "Well, we're going to be Americans now, so we have to behave like Americans and eat like Americans." They approach the vendor and bravely order two hotdogs. The vendor hands them their meals in paper sacks. They find a park bench nearby where they sit down to eat their first American meal. The first immigrant looks inside his sack. Closing it quickly, he turns to his friend in shock. "Uh, which part of the dog did YOU get?"

02-25-2004

Three men, an Italian, a French and a Portuguese, went for a job interview in England.

Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: "green", "pink" and "yellow".

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."

The French was next: "I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, I have a green pepper and in the evening I watch the Pink Panther on TV."

Last was the Portuguese: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone
'green...green...', I pink up the phone and I say: 'Yellow?' "




MURPHY'S LAWS :: If anything can go wrong, it will.

Love Law :: All the good ones are taken.

Tech Law :: New systems generate new problems.

Commerce Law :: To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Teaching Law :: You never understand until after the first test.

Photography Law :: Auto Focus -- won't.

Bus Law :: If you are running late the bus is, too.

Car Law :: An oil leak will develop.

(The laws above were originally posted at www.murphys-laws.com)


A list of the top 20 thinnest books never published:

  1. MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
  2. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
  3. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
  4. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
  5. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
  6. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
  7. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
  8. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
  9. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
  10. AMERICA' S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
  11. DETROIT - a Travel Guide
    1. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
    2. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
    3. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
    4. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
    5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
    1. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
      1. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
      2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
      3. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton, with introduction by the Rev. Jessie Jackson










Adam: God, I must compliment you on your new
creation, women. I mean I couldn't have
asked for more. I mean God, why did you make
her so gorgeous?

God: So you would love her my son.

Adam: Yeah, but God why did you make her so
sexy?

God: So you would love her my son.

Adam: But why did you give her such a cute
smile?

God: So you would love her my son.

Adam: Then God... WHY OH WHY did you make
her SOOO stupid?

God: So she would love you my son.


******

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys one bag of shredded lettuce, one can of beans, one gallon of milk, one loaf of bread, and one pound of ham.

The checkout guy says, "You're single, right?"

The woman says, "How did you know?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."








A David Letterman joke (CBS, 8/7): " Mr. Joe Liberman would be the first Jewish person to serve directly under a president since, well, since Monica."



How dogs and some men are the same:

  1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

  1. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

  1. Both mark their territory.

  1. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

  1. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

  1. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

  1. Neither does any dishes.

  1. Both fart shamelessly.

  1. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

  1. Both like dominance games.

  1. Both are suspicious of the postman.

  1. Neither understands what you see in cats.


How dogs are better than some men:

  1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

  1. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

  1. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

  1. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

  1. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

  1. Dogs do not play games, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

  1. You can train a dog.

  1. Dogs ar easy to buy for.

  1. The worst disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).

  1. Dogs understand what "no" means.

  1. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.